he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
