I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
