He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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