why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
