Got a toothbrush?
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
