whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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