i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
