I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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