I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
