Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I still have a little drunk in my system
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
