In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In other news, I just burned my penis
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
