"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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