the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We had sex on a dog bed..
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Ladies don't puke and tell
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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