thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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