I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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