Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
