he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
