i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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