You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
nutella sex= disaster
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm both gender and math confused
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
