Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
