Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
