He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
