everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
