If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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