i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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