dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
