But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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