i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
