upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
