Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
