There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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