i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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