Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
