I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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