Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
