apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
