On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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