I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Actions speak louder than pants.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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