nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
