I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
