the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
