Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
