I need help removing her.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize