I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
