What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
