does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
