I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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