I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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