Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize