i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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