i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
