I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
