Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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