My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
