my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
