I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
