I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
