Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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