There was a lot of him and a little penis
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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