Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
