I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
