I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize