Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
