I don't usually arrange sex via text message
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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